Cryptic Words

to write with a broken pencil is pointless

what was the fire at the circus.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................in tents lol hahahahahahahah

I wondered why the BaseBall was getting bigger, then it hit me.

a guy goes to his DR and says i had a dream tht i was a wigwam and a Tp and he sait id kept goin on all week and he said am i a wigwam or a tp he said it is making heim crazy thinking about it and the dr said calm down your to tence

thats a good one Tuner

i have some good 1's i ill post up tonight?

how does a blond turn on the light after sex?

she opens the car door!

Police were called to a day care where a three- year old was resisting a rest

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my
list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so
I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who
weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to
take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the
door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving
in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and
surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I
don't think I co uld do that all day long.'
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was George W. Bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after
time. 'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my
shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks
all day,' commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton,
lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained
in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what
she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah
man, I can handle this.'
The devil smiled and said . . . . . (This is priceless)
'OK, Monica, you're free to go.'

Thats a good one Fester. Thanks

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Yeha he's all right now.

lol!

if anybody gets offended by these,i will gladley remove them!!


q: how do you punish helen keller?

a: rearrange the furniture


q: whats another way to punish helen keller?

a: put her in a round room!


q: how did helen keller cut herself?

a: she read the cheese gradder

Mr & Mrs George Bush (george and Barbra) are on their where to a congressional party!Before she leaves ,Mrs. Bush tries out this new perfume called BUSH.so they go to the party and a congressman yells "ewwwww...whats that smell?"mrs bush goes "its my bush"

those are bad.... but goood

Holy Prostitutes



A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door...This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER .

Nice one Fester

The butcher backed up inot the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate

A duck walks into a bar.

Waddles up to the bar sits down, says to the bartender.
'' got any quackers?''

Bartender says ''no''

Duck leaves the bar.

Next day duck waddles into the bar, sits at the bar says to the bartender.
''got any quackers?''

Bartender says ''NO!!!''

Duck leaves the bar again.

Next day duck waddles into the bar, sits at the bar says to the bartender.
''got any quackers?''

Bartender

'' WE DON'T HAVE ANY DAMN QUACKERS, AND IF YOU COME IN HERE ONE MORE TIME ASKING FOR QUACKERS I'M GONNA TAKE A HAMMER AND SMASH YOU'RE *%*#*# HEAD IN AND HAVE ME SOME ROASTED DUCK''

Next day duck waddles into the bar, sits at the bar says to the bartender.

''Got a Hammer''

Bartender confused looks at duck and says.
NO, why?''

Duck smiles and asks.

'' GOT ANY QUACKERS''

lol

Some pretty funny stuff!


Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.


____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

OMG LMAO
those where just way to funny

I COULD ASK BETTER QUESTIONS THAN THAT FOR $200 HR

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large

lol-i got that from i email i got,lol