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 Good Humor

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Montana Mike
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PostSubject: Good Humor   Tue Feb 10, 2009 8:19 pm

Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway
in rural Pennsylvania on the opening day of deer season.

They spotted a large trophy class buck meandering
toward them.

As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral
procession came slowly by. The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat and
stood with his head bowed until the procession was past. Of course by
then, the deer was gone.

The other hunter exclaimed, “Wow! That was the most
sportsmanlike act I've ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape
while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone's
dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to
sportsmen throughout the world!”

The first hunter nodded and said, “Well, we were married for 42
years.”

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PostSubject: Re: Good Humor   Tue Feb 10, 2009 9:45 pm

lol! Nice one!
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Montana Mike
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PostSubject: Re: Good Humor   Tue Feb 10, 2009 10:17 pm

A new sign in a bank lobby reads:


Please note that this Bank is installing a new Drive-through ATM machine enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.


Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.


After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9 Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

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PostSubject: Re: Good Humor   Wed Feb 11, 2009 12:14 am

lmao

I've seen that at the ATM more than I care to admit!
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Montana Mike
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PostSubject: Re: Good Humor   Wed Feb 11, 2009 1:14 am

boy it is true isn't it

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PostSubject: Re: Good Humor   Thu Feb 12, 2009 12:38 am

those r good
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PostSubject: Re: Good Humor   Thu Feb 12, 2009 9:43 am

Oh man are some of those true,
My g/f didn't think it was funny, I said what part isn't true? She said, I don't use my parking brake lmao
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PostSubject: Re: Good Humor   Thu Feb 12, 2009 10:54 am

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.



On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.



While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"



The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."



The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"



"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.



On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."



The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"



The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"



The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

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PostSubject: Re: Good Humor   Mon Feb 16, 2009 2:08 am

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'

And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office!

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'

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PostSubject: Re: Good Humor   Mon Feb 16, 2009 7:44 am

nice mike lol I wanted the jokes but i cant think of any that are aproprate most of mine are out the bunny book
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PostSubject: Re: Good Humor   Mon Feb 16, 2009 12:26 pm

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

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PostSubject: Re: Good Humor   Mon Feb 16, 2009 12:45 pm

Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'

Over the PA system came: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 12, we have a husband down'
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PostSubject: Re: Good Humor   Mon Feb 16, 2009 12:47 pm

thats a great one Ray Ray lmao

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PostSubject: Re: Good Humor   Mon Feb 16, 2009 2:34 pm

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish "Top o' the mornin to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything.
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PostSubject: Re: Good Humor   Mon Feb 16, 2009 2:35 pm

NICE ONE RAY!!!

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while in bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

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PostSubject: Re: Good Humor   Mon Feb 16, 2009 3:05 pm

THATS A GOOD ONE
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PostSubject: Re: Good Humor   Tue Feb 17, 2009 9:33 pm

The Guys' Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.


Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. These are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!



1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.

See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 'S Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
Or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

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PostSubject: Re: Good Humor   Thu Feb 19, 2009 1:35 am

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,

"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle,

and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,

then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do,

we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says,

"Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea,

and then ." he said with a deep sigh, . . .




(scroll down)






[img][/img]





"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

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PostSubject: Re: Good Humor   Sun Mar 22, 2009 11:42 pm

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City. He told the saleslady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."

With a quizzical look, the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated, "A Baptist bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist bra and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember." said the saleslady, "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."

Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, "So what are the differences?"

The lady responded, "Well, it's really quite simple. The catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused at that for a moment and then asked, "So, what is the Baptist type for?"

"They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills".

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PostSubject: Re: Good Humor   Sat Apr 11, 2009 11:10 pm

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom..
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!'
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PostSubject: Re: Good Humor   Sun Apr 12, 2009 12:45 am

lmao now thats was funny good one fester cheesygrin

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PostSubject: Re: Good Humor   Sun Apr 12, 2009 1:29 am

nice lol hahaha
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PostSubject: Re: Good Humor   Sun Apr 12, 2009 7:40 pm

thanks got it from a email,lol
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